Self Love

Sometimes, things happen that shouldn't.
I know that, and yet it still surprises me how certain things play out.

This week, thus far, has just been one of those weeks.
The ugliness people crap into the world makes me crave naps and a bee bee gun.

Let's begin with Monday. No one likes Monday in the first place.
I work as a personal trainer in two different gyms.

My boss at one gym called me in to talk about some issues that came up, and I didn't know what these "issues" were until I walked into his office.

"I've heard that you might be giving out your competition prep meal plan and talking about it to your clients."

Yikes.
Ouch.
Rage.

Absolutely not.
I will come clean, because I think honesty is the best policy.
I go to counseling on a weekly basis to discuss my disordered eating, body dismorphia, and anxiety. I am hesitant to voice this on such a public format, but I am not ashamed.
*If you are dealing with any of these issues, or find this post triggering in anyway, I'm more than happy to talk to you and offer a shoulder to lean on.

The idea that someone thinks I would hand out such a strict meal plan or even suggest resisted eating is disgusting to me. I know that people begin to struggle with their bodies and views of themselves whenever they create an unrealistic body goal. That has never been and will never be my goal. I struggle with my demons each day, and I would never give someone the tools to struggle along side me.
To make my boss understand this, I came clean. I told him that I attend counseling for the reasons above and that I would never push that lifestyle on anyone else.

I thought my troubles were done, but I was wrong.

Today, I received an e-mail stating that he felt it may not be in our best interest that I continue to train clients while I am struggling with my issues, and that if I would like to have hours I can work alongside other coaches for bootcamps, but not having any clients of my own. My issues are "too close to my training for them not to somehow overlap."

I cried.
I cried for thirty minutes.
I felt pain, I felt betrayal, I felt unfairly punished.
How is it any different for someone to say, "I'm sorry, you can't work in this hospital, your eyes are hazel."
"You shouldn't have your own clients, because you struggle with disordered eating."

Then, I was angry.
I decided then and there that this wasn't going to happen to me.
Not without a fight.

So I called him.

I began with my prepared speech,
"I understand your concern, but I disagree. I have been dealing with my personal issues for far longer than I have been a personal trainer, therefore there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to do it now when I was doing it eight months ago. I have worked just as hard as every other trainer on staff and I have earned my spot, blah blah blah"

Now let me pause for a moment.
I am not making this post to bash my boss, in any way. I have respect for him, and I enjoy working with him. This is merely a post for empowerment.

Ahem,
Me: Tell me your reasoning to think that I am unable to train someone. Tell me how I am a danger.

Him: I have been watching you since you quit prepping and I have noticed some things.

We all know where this is going.

Me: What have you noticed? Have you seen me shame someone's body?

Him: No.

Me: Have you seen me encourage strict dieting?

Him: No.

Me: What have you seen. Just say it.

Me: Say it. Just say it, I know what you're thinking.

Me: You didn't see me doing anything bad. You saw me gain weight. Say it.

Pause.
I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately, this is reality, you guys.

But, I did not let this beat me.
I'm not letting society win.

Yes, world, I have gained weight. Don't be shy, it's not like I didn't know.

To this, I respond:

Fuck you.

Looking back at my small, malnourished body that didn't have a menstrual cycle for six months, hell yeah, I miss being that small.
But I don't miss being exhausted.
I don't miss being cold all the time.
I don't miss the stress.
I don't miss the pressure.

And let me tell you, while this body of mine is heavier than it was then, this body is healthy.
This body feels refreshed in the morning when I wake up.
This body is a regular temperature.
This body is less stressed.

But the pressure is still here.

So I asked him,
If you were to have a client who went away for the summer and came back heavier, would you shame them for their body? Are they less of a person, is their worth lower because they are heavier?
He responded with the obvious answer: no.
EXACTLY. You wouldn't. Because a body means more than it's shape.
What about the soul in that body. Are they happy? Do they love their life? The people in it? Do they have fun? Are they kind? What are their talents?
Does none of that matter because they are heavier now then they were two months ago?
They are a person, not a body.

So I asked again:
"Then why would you ever do that to me? I am a person."

I'm not naïve you guys, I'm not. I work in an industry where your appearance is the most important thing. And I know that when people look at me, they must be thinking "Damn, Emma packed on some pounds."
It sucks knowing that. It's hard. I get anxiety going into the gym every day.
And you know why I do it?
Because, no, I may not be the perfect standard for a personal trainer, but I'll be damned if I'm not an example that regardless of your size, you deserve to be whoever you want to be, you deserve to pursue things that make you happy. And that's why I train people. Because sometimes, people need to hear that they don't need to loose twenty pounds to allow themselves happiness.

And it's time to start living this for myself.

And I'll start by meeting my first new client thanks to my boss.
"Train her and make her just as strong as you."

Today, I'm thankful for my strength. Not my physical strength. My mental strength. I stood up for myself. Instead of being my hardest critic, mentally shaming my appearance, and mistreating my body, I was the one who stood up for it.
There was a time not long ago where I could never do that.

One of my best friends asks me often on my hardest days: "What would you say to 10 year old Emma?"

Today, he instead said: "Today you stood up for 10 year old Emma."

So yes, everyone.
I gained weight.
I'm chubby.
I'm a bigger pant size, two pant sizes actually.

But I'm caring.
I love reading books and going to live concerts.
I give.
I love my family and my friends and would do anything for them.
I encourage.
I volunteer.
I support.

I gained weight.
But dammit, I'm proud.

Home, Sweet Home!

In an effort to relax a bit, my parents flew me home!
Thank goodness!
There is no better place to be than at home with my family. They are my favorite people in the world, always.

It's always the best when I'm reunited with my favorite tiny babe <3

 

The only downside, and there is only one, is having to leave my sweet Andrew. Five weeks is nothing compared to the time we have spent apart before, so it's not a thang to us.

 

 

The worst part about traveling, is airports. Goodness. This time, the weirdest thing happened to me.

Seriously. Weird.

 

I was boarding my first of two planes and I put my backpack underneath my seat along with another carryon bag filled with my books. So I pulled out the novel I'm currently working on and started reading.

So while I'm reading, the guy in front of me pulls my backpack out from underneath his seat and hands it to the flight attendant, neither of them asking if it's mine, and they give my bag to the pilot, who throws it off the plan to a man below to leave at the airport, and then proceeds to fly off.

 

OH MY GOODNESS.

This is funny, because how did this all happen without me noticing?

But there's no point in getting my undies in a twist, so I just speak to the staff and they arrange to have my bag sent to me.

 

But no one has any idea where It is :(

BOOOO.

 

 

Oh well, I'm still optimistic.

 

My family had a big barbeque this past Sunday and they invited all of our family friends, including my little Logan, the boy I spent last summer nanny-ing.

I can't wait to continue working with him this summer. He is my favorite kid, who is about to be a big brother! I'm fangirling over this new baby. 20 days left until we all meet little AJ!

 

Enough about me, I want to talk about something I just found about an hour ago, and it is so so so cool.

 

It's a project.

 

http://www.abeautifulbodyproject.com/

 

From what I have seen, this project focuses on capturing the beauty of the female body after having children. These raw images are in black and white, and have been left unedited.

These brave women take the courageous leap to show their bodies to the world and claim their beauty.

This is one of the most moving projects I have ever seen.

 

Every single one of us is plagued with the unrealistic expectations society has given us about our bodies.

How can we love ourselves when we are constantly being marketed a new weight loss fad, a more concealing makeup line, "healthy" foods, or magazines that feel the need to perfect a celebrity, while letting us believe that they are naturally so flawless? This is a society that breads self-hate, body dismorphia, and food issues.

Sometimes I sit back and I envision the life I want. For the past two years, I have fought myself into believing that if I was just a certain size, my life would magically become what I wanted it to be.

If I were a certain size, I would deserve happiness, laughter, friends, love.

I have convinced myself that I do not deserve those basic things. But, I could, if I could fit "x" sized pants, or if I could wear a belly shirt, and not jiggle.

That is an absolute tragedy. And as much as I wish I could tell you all that I have changed, and that I have switched that part of my brain off, I refuse to lie to you.

But that doesn't mean I am not trying everyday. If I trained myself to think one way, I can train myself to see the flaws in my mentality, and I am working on that every day.

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJbmRN_YFi0

If you like the idea, I absolutely recommend you watch the video. It's such a beautiful, moving project.

 

Can you imagine a world where we all love our bodies?

I can't imagine what it would be like to love my body unconditionally, but I bet it's the best feeling in the world.

Stretch marks, imperfections, dimples, they all become irrelevant.

That would be the best thing.



 

 

Reflection and Rebuilding

It's me again.
I know it's been a quick minute, but I have been dealing with some personal issues and trying to sort those out.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching while I've been away.

And though it is a tough, tough subject for me, I am ready to talk about it.

Now before I begin, this is going to be ugly. Super-ugly.
If you're not ready for that, by all means, please click the red X in the top right corner, I won't hold it against you!
I am writing this post in hopes to reach out to anyone who may have similar struggles as me.

Please, let this continue to be a judge-free zone.

To set the stage, let's float to this afternoon. One of my favorite things to do is sit in Barnes & Noble, sipping iced coffee, picking up a random book and going to town. I do this a couple of times a week.
I usually just grab any old book that looks interesting, and take the plunge, and, as the old saying goes "Never judge a book by it's cover."

Today, I picked up a book called "Letting Ana Go" and I bring it over the my coffee station and sit down before flipping to the back to see a brief summary. I stiffen at the words "She only wanted to loose a few pounds.... she couldn't stop... the feeling she got from getting thinner was addicting."
I'll stop there,
I'm sure by now you see where this is going.

That felt like a punch to the gut and my first instinct was to get this book away from me as fast as possible. It felt like the black cover was hot as coal, burning me.

But I decided to face myself and read this book.

Pause.

So,
I struggle with food. A lot. I have for the past two years. I can remember when it started, I can remember waking up in the middle of the night with the sentence "If you just stopped eating, everything would be better" crashing into the side of my skull, bouncing, and landing on the opposite side, just to repeat the endless process. I was 18, the summer before my freshman year in college.

I remember crying on my mom's bed when I told her of my night terrors and the look on her face. I wanted her to forget it as soon as I told her, I just wanted to say it out loud.

I'll never forget the look on her face when she surprised me later that night, hugging me from behind, and telling me that I was perfect how I am.


Four week ago, today, I made a roadtrip with two of my good friends to see our favorite band, The 1975. It was blazing hot. I stood outside for eight hours in the scorching sun to ensure that we would get the best seats in the place. Well.. I say seats lightly, because it was more like being squished between 500 other bodies, covered in sweat, barely breathing. But it was the best night of my life.
Even still, I dig into myself for the way I feel about my body.
But I saw a girl, probably fifty pounds heavy than me, rocking a bandeau on top of her short shorts.
You guys, she was beautiful. She was absolutely stunning, and I looked down at my white, white thighs and all of their imperfections, lifted my chin up, and danced the entire night, whether I jiggled or not. And I swear to God, Matty Healy smiled right at me that night.

The book starts with a girl named.. well now that I think about it, You never learned her name. So.. let's call her Anonymous. She was a cross country athlete with this dazzling sense of humor. This story is written like a journal, and her cheeky comments made me grin the entire time. In the beginning, she writes about her love for running, her outings with friends, her fun parents, her dad's dancing, her boyfriend Jack.
She had a beautiful, fulfilling life.
But she begins the downward spiral of counting calories and weighing in daily.
Under-eating and overexercising.

In April, when I decided to quit prepping for a competition, my dad was in town. He took me to Walmart and agreed to buy me food to exercise my new found food freedom. Briefly during that week, I had spoken to my dad about my struggles with food, but it's so hard to show someone what it's like inside your head. The never ending battle of you vs food.
It wasn't until he watched me, wide-eyed as I stood in the grocery isles at Walmart having a near-panic attack from trying to put food in the cart that I wasn't accustomed to. After eating the same thing everyday for seven months, it's hard to allow yourself anything else.

Giving up the prep meant so much more time to focus on the things I love, the things I need.
I needed friendships. Destiny is one of my closest friends, and I don't think she'll ever fully understand her importance in my transition. I shied away from food that I didn't know the nutrition facts of, I strayed away from trying new things.
Destiny has lived in this town her entire life, so it's safe to say she knows the cool food secrets that I had no idea about. She took me to these places and before I knew it, I was trying new things. The fear would creep up to the back of my throat, but I'd bite it back down. I started living again.

So Destiny, if you read this blog, thanks. Thank you so much.

Anonymous becomes friends with a girl who struggles with anorexia. Her name is Jill, and Jill pushes this disease on Anonymous like it's a sport. Soon it starts to seem like everyone is unknowingly encouraging her to loose weight, even though she starts this book so happy and so healthy. The combination of Jill, "You look go great, don't stop now" comments, and her own insecurities lead her to eat the smallest amounts she can, and run as far and fast as her body allows.

The second time I met with my counselor, she asked me to describe what it felt like when I had a breakdown. I proceeded to tell her of my worst one, which was only a week prior. I was watching the second season of My Mad Fat Diary (BEST SHOW EVAAAA) and Rae (Main Character) is sitting with her counselor (LOL at this irony) and he says to her,

"I want you to imagine a ten year old version of yourself.
Now this is the little girl who first believed she was fat and ugly and an embarrassment"

*This is the part where I grabbed my wine, straight from the bottle, baby.

"Now tell that little girl she's fat.
Tell that little girl she's ugly.
Now tell that little girl she's an embarrassment, and worthless, and useless."

*Sobbing

"Because that's what you do every single day to yourself."

*Crying too hard to efficiently breathe.


To challenge this above, with a positive thing I have journal, I found this hunk of gold.

"I find it comical when women think I care about:
-Stretchmarks
-If one titty if slightly bigger than the other
-Birthmarks
-Fat areas
-Bumps or discoloration
-Cellulite
-Sweat
-Morning breathe
-Human Flaws

If I have you naked in front of me and I am naked too, the only thing on my mind is where am I putting my mouth first."


So, Anonymous begins starving herself, and she creates the goal of fitting her athletic frame into a size two dress for her dance. She lands herself in the hospital once, and again the night she zips up the perfectly fitted dress.

At one of my jobs, we have these HIDEOUS, SKIN-TIGHT, UNFLATTERING uniforms. For the longest time, we never really had to wear them, the boss didn't care. Since I have quit prepping, I had gained weight back, naturally. I binged for a month straight before I started working on self control. My boss one day, decides that it is now official, we must start wearing our red uniform shirts.
I work in a gym.
I have gained weight.
People will see.
My first shift back, I sat in my car for ten minutes hyperventilating at the fact I had to walk inside in this shirt. I called my dad and he comforted me, but each time I go to work, even in the summer, I wear a jacket over the shirt.

Instead of eating a massive carton of ice cream, all at once, I can stop at a bowl, now. I am slowly learning self-control, and it feels amazing. Instead of weighing in every single day, I haven't touched the scale in over four months.

Anonymous is checked into a rehab center, and she starts to realize how much she was hurting herself and those around her. There is hope in the pages of her journal, she sees a recovery ahead, and she wants to beat anorexia.


I can remember a time where I was counting and exercising, when I overheard a family member whisper to another "She's obsessed."
And all I could think was, "How are you making my discipline and hard work into something negative?"
Maybe because I couldn't find anything good to say to my reflection.

I met a few artists at different shows in the last month. I wore high-waisted shorts to both occasions. I curled my hair, and put on some light make-up, and dare I say, I felt beautiful. And I got hit on.

Anonymous relapses. She drops back down to her lowest weight, and dies from cardiac arrest.

This book hit home. It's very real. This happens to people daily.
My little sister once said to me in a time I was struggling.
"Emma, your body loves you so much. It takes care of you, it is strong for you. Just love it back."

Holy shit. "Just love it back."
Such a simple concept has proven to be such a monumentally difficult task for me.

I look back through my old posts where I am so excited about my body and my life. It's easy to talk about your struggles when it seems like you're beating them.

I was the girl who grew up chubby but worked hard to be fit.
I was the girl who juggled three jobs, college, and still managed to work out everyday.
I was the girl who got e-mails everyday about the inspiration I gave to young women.

But who am I today, without all of those things?

I do not have a six pack, or even a flat stomach.
I go to counseling every week to work on my relationship with myself, and my relationship with food.
I struggle to get dressed sometimes, because nothing fits like it used to, but I still go to work, I still hang out with friends, and I still go on dates.
I have family, friends, and the most loving boyfriend in the world.

I saw myself in a lot of the pages of this book. I looked my demons in the eyes and saw how obsessing over food and your appearance can destroy all the good things in your life. And for what? Unrealistic goals and unsatisfaction?

I'm not saying that I have an eating disorder. I'm not saying that I suddenly cured of my issues by reading a book.
Some days I wake up and I count. I count every calorie.
Some days, I wake up and I take a deep breath, and I eat until I'm full, and I don't tear myself down over a burger.
Some days I eat everything in my path.

I'm not perfect.
But you know who I am today?

I am a fighter.

Krav and Kookin'

I spelled cooking with a K, so it would match Krav, get it?

No?

Alrighty then, moving on.

Well, now that the cats out of the bag about the whole "I'm not prepping thing" I figured it's time to switch gears.

I'm going to blog about WHATEVER I WANT.

HAHAHA.

Within reason, of course.

But first, I would like to say a MASSIVE thank you. To all of you.

The support I received after sharing my last post has been overwhelming. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such supportive and loving people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This has been an extremely difficult decision and transition, and it means the world to be that you guys have my back.

I love you all <3

So, during my quest to find different goals and experiment in the kitchen, I have done just that! And I'd like to share this all with you!

I just got home after a kick-ass krav maga class! I'm sure most of you are scratching your heads reading that, but don't worry, I'm here to elaborate.

Krav Maga is a type of self-defense class! It's really amazing and a killer workout.

I'm so used to weight lifting, which I absolutely love (BAE) but I want to expand and grow as a fitness lover. So, I'm trying totally different things. Krav Maga is all body weight. I have been brutalizing a punching bag endlessly, and it's so much fun. I'm finding a love for it, and I can see myself sticking around with it.

On top of that, my best friend has been sending me links to online workout videos. So I have been engaging in those as well. If you are the person who lives in apartment 2A underneath me, you have my most sincere apology.

Those of you who know me personally know about my secret love affair.

And I think that you all know my pretty well by now too, but it's time to open up about something I love more than life.

One Direction.

Yup, I said it.

Harry Styles is the love of my life, wait and see.

That being said, Aya knows of my undying passion for this British boyband, and one of the videos she sent me is titled:

"That's what makes you Bootyful."

I'm not kidding.

Here it is:

GIVE IT A TRY! You'll have buns of steal by the time Harry finishes his last flawless note.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwVzamFR-tg

Before I have a hot flash, we can move right along.

FOOD.

So after Krav, I was ready to feed my hungry muscles!

With none other than a new recipe!

I made a healthy burrito and homemade cinnamon sugar chips!

Don't think I'm going to leave you hanging.

I'm going to tell you how I made magic in my kitchen.

So BURRITO:

In a skillet, I browned some 99% lean ground turkey, and added chopped celery and onion.

I cooked these together until everything looked nice and delicious and then I added a tid-bit of low sodium taco seasoning and water. I took the heat off and then microwaved a low-carb tortilla and refried beans. (I LOVE BEANS <3)

I put some plain greek yogurt and beans on the base of the tortilla, and added a bit of Colby-jack cheese.

I always substitute plain greek yogurt over sour cream because I get more protein for the same taste!

I also added some green salsa my dad RAVES about.

Seriously.

If you ever land on the topic of food, he, without fail, will recommend it to you.

So here's a picture of that.

If you like hot things, you'll love this. If you're like me and don't love hot things, grab a cup of water, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Back to that burrito.

So after I added all the extras, I put some of my turkey-veggie mix in and rolled it up!

Delicious.

The cinnamon-sugar tortilla chips are so easy to make.

Pre-heat the oven to 350.

Mix some cinnamon and sugar together and set it aside.

Take a tortilla and cut it into eight triangles and put melted butter on them. You can use the spray butter, too, that's what I did. It's too convenient not to use!

Then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on the tortilla chips and slide them into the oven.

EYEBALL THEM.

Haha... I realize I gave you recipes with no specifics. If I have an OCDer reading this, sorry.

Winging it is half of the fun!

Well that's it for this post.
As you know, I like to end on a dramatic, heart-wrenching note.

So here's my favorite fit-spiration.

And probably yours now, too.

(Side note: If you're experiencing cardiac arrest, it's fine. I am, too. Stay on the ground until you regain feeling in your chest.)

Here's A Quick Update

Wow.
It's been a minute, I know. Sorry for my unexpected leave of absence.
So I'm just going to take a minute to slam some information on everyone.


Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride.


I suppose I haven't been completely honest. I have been putting on a brave face, because I know a lot of people look to me for things fitness related, and I wanted to be strong for those we say I have inspired them.


But I'm going to be real.




Last week, I had a heart to heart with my coach.
My relationship with food is the worst it has ever been and I am more stressed out then I have ever been.


I constantly preach that you should love your body for the things it can do, and not the way it looks, and I FIRMLY believe this, but I was unable to take my own advice.


I have an unhealthy relationship with food and especially with my self-image.
Yikes.
Putting it all out there.


And this is a scary thing, being this wide open with the world.


That being said, although it was the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do, I decided to put my mental health first.
So, I quit the team.


Let me first say that is has absolutely nothing to do with my team or with my coach. Darin and my teammates are the best group I have ever had the absolute blessing to be a part of, and I hope one day I will be back on that team once I sort myself out. I can't even begin to put into words the unending gratitude I have for Darin, he was and will always be the only coach I pick.


I have been focusing on healing my relationship with food and with my body. I was lean, you guys. The leanest I have ever seen myself and it's extremely hard to see what you can look like and then realize you're no where near that anymore.
I realize that I was two weeks out from a show, and I realize being that lean isn't healthy year round, but knowing that and accepting that are two different things.


So I have switched gears.
I am the type of person who needs goals to be held accountable. With that being said, whatever goal I choose to go after is going to be solely based on what my body can do: my fitness level. Nothing to do with the way I look.
Competing is a very vain sport. While others thrive and can have balance while competing, I found that I couldn't. I was 110% obsessed with the sport and I didn't give my mind and my body the love and attention it deserves. The only thing that mattered to me was my workout and my leanness.
I have learned so much from prepping for seven months. In no way do I regret my decision to do it. I have learned so much about myself, my limits, and I have even uncovered some things that need attention that wouldn't have been brought to the surface without prepping.


If you are a competitor reading this: holy shit, you rock. Congrats for being so awesome.
If you are a regular exerciser who eats when you're hungry and hangs out with friends and enjoys life reading this: holy shit, you rock. Congrats on that balance.
If you're a bum: hey, that's cool, too. Congrats on all the sleep-gains.


One size doesn't fit all. Not everyone wants to be on their grind 24/7, some people never want to experience the grind.
And there's nothing wrong with that.


The point is, I need to find my happy.
At this point in my life, competing wasn't doing that.


So the reason I have been a bit absent is basically because of fear. Fear that I would be judged for being a "quitter" or people would assume that I just don't have what it takes, or I didn't want to work hard anymore.
It's simply not the case.
I choose not to go into depth as to why I made the decision to step back for a moment, because it's my business. I have realized that it's OKAY to not spill my personal guts out for everyone else to see. I don't need the acceptance of that douche-bag from GNC or from some guy who works out at the same gym as me, and as much as I love everyone of you who reads my blog, I know that I have to do what is best for me and not what looks the best and would impress you guys.
I started competing for me, I stepped back from competing for me.
It's for me and no one else.


Yesterday afternoon instead of working out in the three hour block in-between classes like I normally would, I sat in a really awesome café (across from the gym, so technically...) and I drank a latte while I studied for a class.
I realize that this type of scenario is totally average, but I felt so happy and content.
My boyfriend's roommate found me in this joint and comes up to me and says "It's so weird seeing you on campus."
Me: "I know, I'm always in the gym, it's weird actually being on campus."
I'm a freaking college student at an AMAZING university, and I look forward to exploring it.


People often ask me about my favorite things, what I like to do in my spare time, etc.
Let me tell you, while I love being a personal trainer and I LOVE some kickass workouts, being lean, and feeling confident in tiny spandex:
I am my happiest when I am curled up in the ball on the couch with the cat blanket my mom made me, coffee, and a book. Or hunched over my journal scribbling down the name of something I want to know more about for later. Or baking something new in the kitchen to take over to my friends house. That's where I'm content. When I pump the breaks and allow myself to feel normal again.


That's what I need right now.
So that's exactly what I am giving myself.

Expectations And Reality

I AM BACK.

Today, I'm going to talk about my favorite thing: me.
Just kidding... but I am pretty fond of myself.

So here it is: Let's talk about expectations versus reality.
This topic is basically my life right now, and I feel like it is something EVERYONE can relate to.

So, back in August when I was following competitors on Instagram and I got the itch to compete, I had a handful of favorite competitors.
The Queens of Competing, if you will.
In my mind they did no wrong, they ate every marco and never took an extra spoonful of pb, they did every minute of cardio and drank every last sip of water.
Also (In my head) They did it with a smile that could split their face in half! THEY LOVED LIFE AND THEY LOVED PREP.

Fast forward to MY prep experience.
Lots of happiness, lots of gains, lots of perfect days, and perfect lifts.
BUT, also lots of tears, lots of hating cardio, lots of extra spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shitty workouts.

"We feel bad about our process because we compare our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reels."
TOO TRUE PEOPLE.

I'm writing this post, because although I am a personal trainer, nutrition and fitness student, and an aspiring bikini competitor, I NEVER want anyone to think I do this without a flaw.
It's not realistic.

Let's just address a perfect example of my point.

Expectation: 1/2 Cup serving of delicious mint cookie ice cream.

Reality: LOL EAT ALL THE ICE CREAM. #creamcoma

I stumbled across this and it really got me thinking.

Be the person you needed when you were younger.

When I was younger, I needed understanding. I needed to know that food wasn't a punishment. It was meant to be enjoyed and it was meant to nourish my body. It was intended to help me gain self-love instead of self-loathing. Some people will never truly understand how good your body is designed to feel with proper nutrition, and I am so thankful that I now know the difference.

I have slipped up more often than not since choosing to compete in August, but I am human.

I'm not going to beat myself up for struggling. Competition prep was all I knew for six straight months and it isn't REALISTIC to expect perfection from myself when I am given the opportunity to have things I haven't in so long, although that was my expectation.

One of my favorite competitors looked AMAZING when she competed last Spring. She uploaded a picture to mark the beginning of her second season and had gained quite a substantial bit of weight back. And I won't lie, and I am not proud of this, but I frowned upon her a bit. I was disappointed that she didn't work to stay lean.

But that was because I didn't understand the difficulties that one goes through in an off season. I get it now, and I feel terrible for thinking less of her "self-control."

Today, I went to GNC to pick up some protein and my FIRST shaker! I was super excited! The clerk even referred to me as the "quest bar girl" Whoops.

"Aren't you going to get your quest bars today?"

"I mean.. well, if you insist.."

*BUYS ALL QUESTIES IN THE STORE*

And while I was rummaging through the store and looking through all of the options, the clerk said to me: "I heard you were supposed to compete but then you backed out."

Ouch.

I would be lying if I said that didn't sting, because it stung like a bitch.

Going into competition prep, my expectation was to compete March 22nd and August 2nd.

The reality is, my first show was cancelled, and I couldn't put myself through the mental warfare that would come from prepping for another show when I wasn't ready. 

But to be called out by a complete stranger and be made to be a quitter really bothers me. 

I didn't quit, I took care of myself first.

I chose myself over a competition.

And even though hearing someone say that to me felt like a stab to the chest, I stand by my decision and I am proud of it.

You never really understand another person's journey. Going through something this stressful and difficult has taught me to never judge someone else's choices. People have different motivations for different things.

On a happy note, I picked up JAVAPRO! It's literally protein and coffee. There is COFFEE in my protein. If you know me, you get why this was an obvious choice.

Since I am able to eat more than I have since September, my coach and I have switched over to IIFYM! So I have been up to some experimenting in the kitchen. It's been quite a ride for my taste buds.

So the right is myself this morning. The left is my VERY FIRST progress picture from February 2013. I am not my leanest anymore, and I won't be until my coach and I cut again. I do miss being leaner, but you know what? This journey is so much more than that. I look at where I started, not just physically, but emotionally.

I am not the same person I was then.

For starters, I have built a booty. 

I have gained so much muscle. 

My clothes fit better.

I smile more.

I have confidence.

I have pride in myself. 

I have inspired other women to achieve their best health.

That's all I ever wanted.

Sometimes, it makes me sad to see how hard we are on ourselves.

We try everyday.

Some of us have full-time jobs.

Some of us are full-time students.

Some of us are full-time parents.

Some of us are all of the above.

Too often people focus on one particular part of their life and claim that that is what "makes or breaks them" when it comes to their success.

But we have so many faucets. 

I suck a math and science, but I am good in English and music.

I have really strong legs, but I hate leg day.

I am not good at drawing, but I love to read.

Cooking isn't my best strength, but I adore baking.

I grew up with low self-esteem, but I fought to be better for myself.

I became the person I needed when I was younger.

"We are all human. We all break down. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry your tears, pick yourself back up, and move on."

We may not always live up to our expectations, but that's life. 

Love and make the most of your reality.

I know I am.

A Change of Pace and Dates

I'll just come clean up front.
I'm not competing in April.
I'm not competing in May or June or July.

I'm not.

Ever since I found out about my show cancellation, all of my drive and motivation was taken with my show.
I didn't want to eat the same meals anymore, and I didn't want to do cardio. I didn't want one tablespoon of peanut butter, I wanted ten!
I slipped and slid all over my diet and even though I never missed a lift, I still felt crappy.
I wanted the freedom that was supposed to come with my show being over, and I couldn't accept that it just wasn't the case anymore. I was tied to another show when I had already mentally shut down.

So I woke up.
I have been preaching that you should never go to extremes with your diet if you aren't happy with your LIFE. Your diet should never be your LIFE.
And mine was exactly that. 
I didn't go out with friends, my smile never reached the bags under my eyes, and I was dragging my feet to make it through the day.

When I started prep, I was so happy. I loved my meal prep, I love the lifting. I was in LOVE with the lifestyle I adopted.
And I have granted myself the opportunity to remind myself why I fell in love with it in the first place.

So my coach and I have decided to pump the breaks.
I'll be competing in Tennessee in August.
That's four and a half months away.
I get to play around with flexible dieting, because I have missed freedom in the kitchen. I absolutely adore baking and cooking, and I'm excited to get creative again! 
I will be lifting heavy, just like I love, and not doing tons of cardio, which I hate. 

I had a fitness photoshoot with one of my close friends, Jessa Warren, WHO IS AMAZING.

I had the time of my life running around the gym and posing! She is an incredible photographer, so keep your eyes peeled! As soon as she posts some of the photos, I promise to show you guys! I love what she was able to do! :D

After the shoot, we ATE! That's right, I went out to dinner with my friends!

IT WAS AMAZING.

We ate until our stomachs ached and we laughed so loud the entire restaurant could hear us.

This is one of the things I have missed the most. The ability to hang out with friends without the anxiety that accompanies competing.

"Oh my gosh, I don't have my meal prep with me."

"What are the macros of this meal?"

"All I should drink is water."

Nope, none of those things crossed my mind for that hour. That's freedom.

This is a picture from my bootcamp I had this Saturday.

It was a blast! Everyone laughed the entire time and it made fitness fun! I even worked out with all of my ladies (and a few gentlemen). I absolutely love being a trainer, and I know that I am going to look forward to all the Saturday bootcamps to come.

Sunday I hung out with some girlfriends again! We walked around downtown and looked at the all the cute shops (Including Hot Box Cookies) 

And as I type this, I am in St. Louis with my boyfriend and his wonderful family. Andrew and I finally were able to get our smoothies, which were a tradition before I started prep. And I got to swing by Trader Joes for some cookie butter!

This weekend, I decided to breathe. To take a step back from the gym and the tupperware and just remember what it was like six months ago when I ate when I was hungry, and I ate what everyone else was eating.

With that being said, I will be back on prep tomorrow.

I am going grocery shopping tonight to stock up on all the things I need to make a fun week's worth of prep! I can't wait to try out new things in the kitchen! I am still in love with being healthy. 110%. It's the best decision I have ever made, and I will always be grateful to the Emma in September who decided to take a stab at this lifestyle. I feel refreshed and so happy.

The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I would like to apologize to any one that I have let down through making this decision. I truly apologize. I am asking for your understanding. It wasn't an easy decision, but I am taking care of my mental health. I want to be happy and healthy. And that is exactly what I am doing.

Stay fit! <3