Here's A Quick Update

Wow.
It's been a minute, I know. Sorry for my unexpected leave of absence.
So I'm just going to take a minute to slam some information on everyone.


Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride.


I suppose I haven't been completely honest. I have been putting on a brave face, because I know a lot of people look to me for things fitness related, and I wanted to be strong for those we say I have inspired them.


But I'm going to be real.




Last week, I had a heart to heart with my coach.
My relationship with food is the worst it has ever been and I am more stressed out then I have ever been.


I constantly preach that you should love your body for the things it can do, and not the way it looks, and I FIRMLY believe this, but I was unable to take my own advice.


I have an unhealthy relationship with food and especially with my self-image.
Yikes.
Putting it all out there.


And this is a scary thing, being this wide open with the world.


That being said, although it was the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do, I decided to put my mental health first.
So, I quit the team.


Let me first say that is has absolutely nothing to do with my team or with my coach. Darin and my teammates are the best group I have ever had the absolute blessing to be a part of, and I hope one day I will be back on that team once I sort myself out. I can't even begin to put into words the unending gratitude I have for Darin, he was and will always be the only coach I pick.


I have been focusing on healing my relationship with food and with my body. I was lean, you guys. The leanest I have ever seen myself and it's extremely hard to see what you can look like and then realize you're no where near that anymore.
I realize that I was two weeks out from a show, and I realize being that lean isn't healthy year round, but knowing that and accepting that are two different things.


So I have switched gears.
I am the type of person who needs goals to be held accountable. With that being said, whatever goal I choose to go after is going to be solely based on what my body can do: my fitness level. Nothing to do with the way I look.
Competing is a very vain sport. While others thrive and can have balance while competing, I found that I couldn't. I was 110% obsessed with the sport and I didn't give my mind and my body the love and attention it deserves. The only thing that mattered to me was my workout and my leanness.
I have learned so much from prepping for seven months. In no way do I regret my decision to do it. I have learned so much about myself, my limits, and I have even uncovered some things that need attention that wouldn't have been brought to the surface without prepping.


If you are a competitor reading this: holy shit, you rock. Congrats for being so awesome.
If you are a regular exerciser who eats when you're hungry and hangs out with friends and enjoys life reading this: holy shit, you rock. Congrats on that balance.
If you're a bum: hey, that's cool, too. Congrats on all the sleep-gains.


One size doesn't fit all. Not everyone wants to be on their grind 24/7, some people never want to experience the grind.
And there's nothing wrong with that.


The point is, I need to find my happy.
At this point in my life, competing wasn't doing that.


So the reason I have been a bit absent is basically because of fear. Fear that I would be judged for being a "quitter" or people would assume that I just don't have what it takes, or I didn't want to work hard anymore.
It's simply not the case.
I choose not to go into depth as to why I made the decision to step back for a moment, because it's my business. I have realized that it's OKAY to not spill my personal guts out for everyone else to see. I don't need the acceptance of that douche-bag from GNC or from some guy who works out at the same gym as me, and as much as I love everyone of you who reads my blog, I know that I have to do what is best for me and not what looks the best and would impress you guys.
I started competing for me, I stepped back from competing for me.
It's for me and no one else.


Yesterday afternoon instead of working out in the three hour block in-between classes like I normally would, I sat in a really awesome café (across from the gym, so technically...) and I drank a latte while I studied for a class.
I realize that this type of scenario is totally average, but I felt so happy and content.
My boyfriend's roommate found me in this joint and comes up to me and says "It's so weird seeing you on campus."
Me: "I know, I'm always in the gym, it's weird actually being on campus."
I'm a freaking college student at an AMAZING university, and I look forward to exploring it.


People often ask me about my favorite things, what I like to do in my spare time, etc.
Let me tell you, while I love being a personal trainer and I LOVE some kickass workouts, being lean, and feeling confident in tiny spandex:
I am my happiest when I am curled up in the ball on the couch with the cat blanket my mom made me, coffee, and a book. Or hunched over my journal scribbling down the name of something I want to know more about for later. Or baking something new in the kitchen to take over to my friends house. That's where I'm content. When I pump the breaks and allow myself to feel normal again.


That's what I need right now.
So that's exactly what I am giving myself.