Expectations And Reality

I AM BACK.

Today, I'm going to talk about my favorite thing: me.
Just kidding... but I am pretty fond of myself.

So here it is: Let's talk about expectations versus reality.
This topic is basically my life right now, and I feel like it is something EVERYONE can relate to.

So, back in August when I was following competitors on Instagram and I got the itch to compete, I had a handful of favorite competitors.
The Queens of Competing, if you will.
In my mind they did no wrong, they ate every marco and never took an extra spoonful of pb, they did every minute of cardio and drank every last sip of water.
Also (In my head) They did it with a smile that could split their face in half! THEY LOVED LIFE AND THEY LOVED PREP.

Fast forward to MY prep experience.
Lots of happiness, lots of gains, lots of perfect days, and perfect lifts.
BUT, also lots of tears, lots of hating cardio, lots of extra spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shitty workouts.

"We feel bad about our process because we compare our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reels."
TOO TRUE PEOPLE.

I'm writing this post, because although I am a personal trainer, nutrition and fitness student, and an aspiring bikini competitor, I NEVER want anyone to think I do this without a flaw.
It's not realistic.

Let's just address a perfect example of my point.

Expectation: 1/2 Cup serving of delicious mint cookie ice cream.

Reality: LOL EAT ALL THE ICE CREAM. #creamcoma

I stumbled across this and it really got me thinking.

Be the person you needed when you were younger.

When I was younger, I needed understanding. I needed to know that food wasn't a punishment. It was meant to be enjoyed and it was meant to nourish my body. It was intended to help me gain self-love instead of self-loathing. Some people will never truly understand how good your body is designed to feel with proper nutrition, and I am so thankful that I now know the difference.

I have slipped up more often than not since choosing to compete in August, but I am human.

I'm not going to beat myself up for struggling. Competition prep was all I knew for six straight months and it isn't REALISTIC to expect perfection from myself when I am given the opportunity to have things I haven't in so long, although that was my expectation.

One of my favorite competitors looked AMAZING when she competed last Spring. She uploaded a picture to mark the beginning of her second season and had gained quite a substantial bit of weight back. And I won't lie, and I am not proud of this, but I frowned upon her a bit. I was disappointed that she didn't work to stay lean.

But that was because I didn't understand the difficulties that one goes through in an off season. I get it now, and I feel terrible for thinking less of her "self-control."

Today, I went to GNC to pick up some protein and my FIRST shaker! I was super excited! The clerk even referred to me as the "quest bar girl" Whoops.

"Aren't you going to get your quest bars today?"

"I mean.. well, if you insist.."

*BUYS ALL QUESTIES IN THE STORE*

And while I was rummaging through the store and looking through all of the options, the clerk said to me: "I heard you were supposed to compete but then you backed out."

Ouch.

I would be lying if I said that didn't sting, because it stung like a bitch.

Going into competition prep, my expectation was to compete March 22nd and August 2nd.

The reality is, my first show was cancelled, and I couldn't put myself through the mental warfare that would come from prepping for another show when I wasn't ready. 

But to be called out by a complete stranger and be made to be a quitter really bothers me. 

I didn't quit, I took care of myself first.

I chose myself over a competition.

And even though hearing someone say that to me felt like a stab to the chest, I stand by my decision and I am proud of it.

You never really understand another person's journey. Going through something this stressful and difficult has taught me to never judge someone else's choices. People have different motivations for different things.

On a happy note, I picked up JAVAPRO! It's literally protein and coffee. There is COFFEE in my protein. If you know me, you get why this was an obvious choice.

Since I am able to eat more than I have since September, my coach and I have switched over to IIFYM! So I have been up to some experimenting in the kitchen. It's been quite a ride for my taste buds.

So the right is myself this morning. The left is my VERY FIRST progress picture from February 2013. I am not my leanest anymore, and I won't be until my coach and I cut again. I do miss being leaner, but you know what? This journey is so much more than that. I look at where I started, not just physically, but emotionally.

I am not the same person I was then.

For starters, I have built a booty. 

I have gained so much muscle. 

My clothes fit better.

I smile more.

I have confidence.

I have pride in myself. 

I have inspired other women to achieve their best health.

That's all I ever wanted.

Sometimes, it makes me sad to see how hard we are on ourselves.

We try everyday.

Some of us have full-time jobs.

Some of us are full-time students.

Some of us are full-time parents.

Some of us are all of the above.

Too often people focus on one particular part of their life and claim that that is what "makes or breaks them" when it comes to their success.

But we have so many faucets. 

I suck a math and science, but I am good in English and music.

I have really strong legs, but I hate leg day.

I am not good at drawing, but I love to read.

Cooking isn't my best strength, but I adore baking.

I grew up with low self-esteem, but I fought to be better for myself.

I became the person I needed when I was younger.

"We are all human. We all break down. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry your tears, pick yourself back up, and move on."

We may not always live up to our expectations, but that's life. 

Love and make the most of your reality.

I know I am.

A Change of Pace and Dates

I'll just come clean up front.
I'm not competing in April.
I'm not competing in May or June or July.

I'm not.

Ever since I found out about my show cancellation, all of my drive and motivation was taken with my show.
I didn't want to eat the same meals anymore, and I didn't want to do cardio. I didn't want one tablespoon of peanut butter, I wanted ten!
I slipped and slid all over my diet and even though I never missed a lift, I still felt crappy.
I wanted the freedom that was supposed to come with my show being over, and I couldn't accept that it just wasn't the case anymore. I was tied to another show when I had already mentally shut down.

So I woke up.
I have been preaching that you should never go to extremes with your diet if you aren't happy with your LIFE. Your diet should never be your LIFE.
And mine was exactly that. 
I didn't go out with friends, my smile never reached the bags under my eyes, and I was dragging my feet to make it through the day.

When I started prep, I was so happy. I loved my meal prep, I love the lifting. I was in LOVE with the lifestyle I adopted.
And I have granted myself the opportunity to remind myself why I fell in love with it in the first place.

So my coach and I have decided to pump the breaks.
I'll be competing in Tennessee in August.
That's four and a half months away.
I get to play around with flexible dieting, because I have missed freedom in the kitchen. I absolutely adore baking and cooking, and I'm excited to get creative again! 
I will be lifting heavy, just like I love, and not doing tons of cardio, which I hate. 

I had a fitness photoshoot with one of my close friends, Jessa Warren, WHO IS AMAZING.

I had the time of my life running around the gym and posing! She is an incredible photographer, so keep your eyes peeled! As soon as she posts some of the photos, I promise to show you guys! I love what she was able to do! :D

After the shoot, we ATE! That's right, I went out to dinner with my friends!

IT WAS AMAZING.

We ate until our stomachs ached and we laughed so loud the entire restaurant could hear us.

This is one of the things I have missed the most. The ability to hang out with friends without the anxiety that accompanies competing.

"Oh my gosh, I don't have my meal prep with me."

"What are the macros of this meal?"

"All I should drink is water."

Nope, none of those things crossed my mind for that hour. That's freedom.

This is a picture from my bootcamp I had this Saturday.

It was a blast! Everyone laughed the entire time and it made fitness fun! I even worked out with all of my ladies (and a few gentlemen). I absolutely love being a trainer, and I know that I am going to look forward to all the Saturday bootcamps to come.

Sunday I hung out with some girlfriends again! We walked around downtown and looked at the all the cute shops (Including Hot Box Cookies) 

And as I type this, I am in St. Louis with my boyfriend and his wonderful family. Andrew and I finally were able to get our smoothies, which were a tradition before I started prep. And I got to swing by Trader Joes for some cookie butter!

This weekend, I decided to breathe. To take a step back from the gym and the tupperware and just remember what it was like six months ago when I ate when I was hungry, and I ate what everyone else was eating.

With that being said, I will be back on prep tomorrow.

I am going grocery shopping tonight to stock up on all the things I need to make a fun week's worth of prep! I can't wait to try out new things in the kitchen! I am still in love with being healthy. 110%. It's the best decision I have ever made, and I will always be grateful to the Emma in September who decided to take a stab at this lifestyle. I feel refreshed and so happy.

The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I would like to apologize to any one that I have let down through making this decision. I truly apologize. I am asking for your understanding. It wasn't an easy decision, but I am taking care of my mental health. I want to be happy and healthy. And that is exactly what I am doing.

Stay fit! <3

Diets. Yuck.

It's time to address the question I have received the most:

"Emma, What do you eat!?"
So many people who want to pursue a healthy lifestyle automatically assume that they need to cut out their favorite "guilty pleasures" and focus solely on chicken and broccoli.
Don't get me wrong, I eat more chicken and broccoli than any other foods, but that is because I'm a fitness competitor. Dieting to these extremes is not necessary for someone who just wants their pants to fit better.
So, I'll tell you about a few of my favorite foods.
But, no, they aren't all healthy.
They all don't have tons of benefits.

I love coffee more than any other liquid, and I'm pretty sure you guys are sick of hearing me talk about my insane love for B&J, but I'm just trying to keep it real.

So let's do this.

Breakfast:
Boy, do I love breakfast. Pancakes, waffles, cereal, CARBS, you name it. I love breakfast.

So that's my spill for the unhealthy breakfasts.
When it comes to being health-conscience, I have a pancake recipe that I always use!

1 Cup egg whites, 1/2 Cup oatmeal, a LARGE handful of spinach, cinnamon, and stevia, blended up and cooked in a skillet just like any other pancake.
I am a huge pancake-lover, and this 100% satisfies my cravings.
It sounds weird, and yes, the pancake is green, but it's delicious.

If you decide not to try it.. well, more for me!

Lunch:
Most of the meals I eat a day could totally fall under the lunch/dinner category.

Here are some typical meals I chow down on during those times.

Veggies, brown rice, red/sweet potatoes, lean turkey, tilapia, chicken.

Good proteins, VEGETABLES, and good carbs. :)

One of my favorite and most delicious dinner/lunch recipes is salsa chicken!

It's super easy to make, too!

Take a serving of chicken and place all the pieces in the crock-pot as is! Then dump a full jar of salsa on top of that baby, and let it sit for four hours on low. When you pull the chicken out, you can shred it so easily, then stick it back in the crock pot and stir it all together.

While that's sitting, mash up some avocados with tomato, onion, lime juice, garlic, and salt. That goes perfect on top! If you're a sour cream person, a dollop of plain Greek yogurt tastes the same, but is packed with protein! And I won't tell if you sneak a bit of cheese on top. ;) It's healthy Mexican, and you really can't beat that.

Snacks/Desserts:

Let's be real, if you know me, you know my favorite healthy snack, HANDS DOWN, is an apple with some PB. My love for peanut butter is up there with my love for B&J, sorta. Well, not really. But I do love peanut butter with a passion.

Another one of my favorite healthy snacks are QUEST BARS. Boy, do I go to town on those questies. 

I make mine in a very delicate process, as follows:

Microwave that bad boy for 13 seconds (Yes, it's that specific, it's not my fault it's science.)

Then, press it down until it's flat, and throw it in the oven at 500 degrees and watch it. I don't actually time this part. I just make sure nothing is burning. (Go ahead and call me Betty Crocker.)

While it's in the oven, I take some plain green yogurt and mix in a big of sugar free/ fat free cheesecake pudding mix, it's amazing. Trust me on this one.

Once the quest bar is done, I put some peanut butter and yogurt on top. I could literally live off of these things.

If you learn one thing from me and this blog, it should be that quest bars are the world's most important protein resource.

And my all time favorite unhealthy treat (You all knew this was coming)

Out of all the flavors, this is one of my favorites! I believe in moderation in all treats, however, this is one that I do not practice with. 

I straight-up devour the entire pint. Do as I say, not as I do.

My mouth is Bored, please help foods:

It wouldn't be unreasonable for me to buy a stock in gum for how much I chew that stuff. And sparkling water. I love it.

Anything with flavor to keep me going. If you drank one to two gallons of water a day, you'd find ways to make it less miserable, too. I'm also a huge fan of the Mio water enhancers. Lifesavers, those suckers are.

I mentioned before that I love coffee. And I do. I might as well attach an IV drip to my arm and carry it around campus and the gym for as much as I drink it. Maybe I'm over exaggerating, but coffee=life.

One of my biggest concerns is the amount of people who ask me about the foods is that the most common question is 

"What foods should I avoid?"

OH MY GOODNESS.

NONE.

I was watching an episode of Dr. Oz while I was doing my cardio one afternoon and the Doctor had on multiple men and women who had successfully lost an enormous amount of weight. One of the woman made a statement that really stood out to me, and I'll share it with you:

"When I decided to start loosing weight, and I was faced with deciding what foods I would or would not eat, I'd ask myself: Can I go my entire life without eating this food ever again? If the answer was no, I wouldn't cut it out of my diet."

You see? It's all about moderation. Don't deprive yourself and be miserable. Eat the foods you enjoy, but be smart about it. Eat healthy foods, clean foods, whole foods, and the soul-foods!

My suggestion is to take your favorite unhealthy foods and spend some time in the kitchen recreating it and making recipe swaps until it's healthier!

A good example for me, is my cheesecake yogurt! I LOVE cheesecake, but obviously, eating a cheesecake everyday isn't going to get me any closer to my fitness goals. But when you take plain protein-packed greek yogurt and turn it into something that reminds you of what you love most, it makes it easy to not feel like you're missing out!

Same with my green pancakes and quest bars!

Make your healthy food SO GOOD that it feels naughty! ;)

So if you expected me to give you a long list of no-no foods in this post, sorry to disappoint. 

Life is not about avoiding delicious foods.

Treat yourself to the things you love while nourishing your body with the foods it deserves.

(#TEAMCOFFEE)

Chug, Chug, Chug!

Today, I have to drink 2.25 gallons of water.
Yikes.
(That's a lot of peeing, you guys.)
But, hey, I signed up for this. 

My thoughts about what to talk about are all over the place this morning, to be fair, I've been up since 4:15 (AM), so just roll with me on this one.

Why was I up so early, you ask?
I got two new clients who I train at 5:30!
And this morning was our first session. I love them.
Yup, I love them.
A fourteen year old boy and his fifteen year old sister.
They're fun and excited about exercising and it's so refreshing to be around such happy souls. I might sound crazy, but I'm looking forward to all of our early mornings together.

And from what I've heard, they like me quite alright, too. :)
I love being a personal trainer. There is nothing more rewarding than waking up and doing what you love every single day.
I'm grateful that I am able to do this.

Oh, speaking of clients, here is a shot of my super precious client after receiving the "outstanding doctoral chemical engineering student award" That's a mouthful. But she deserves it, such a smart cookie, this girl! Congratulations, babygirl!

So yesterday was a monumental day for me, and being so caught up in my hectic life, I almost completely forgot about it.

Yesterday was my six month anniversary with Competition Prepping.

That's insane.

It surely doesn't feel like six months (Thank God for that)

So every month on the 18th, I take some time to myself to sit down and recap the month.

The highs, the lows, the inbetweens, the tears, the laugh. You name it, I am remembering it all.

And of course, I make a small collage to look back on.

So, month six.

I started this month SO EXCITED. I was really close to my show debut, and I started my post show box. (Bless Poptarts)

I had my suit, and I ordered my bikini bite suit super glue. I was practicing my posing in my sleep, and I was more than a little bit anxious.

I was getting leaner every morning, and maybe sitting on Pintrest looking about foods I couldn't eat a little to often, but I was almost done.

I learned my show was cancelled and was absolutely devastated. But since then I have set a new goal for myself. (April 25th, for those of you who are wondering.)

I got a tattoo to remind me of my struggles, my triumphs, and the beauty of this process. And I got tan. Really tan. 

So my show would have been this Saturday, if it were still happening. But instead, I'll be having a photoshoot, which explains why I'm doing a mini-peak week and drinking enough water for a small village. 

This month has, without question, been the hardest. I felt myself breaking, but I'm happy to say here I stand reading for whatever comes my way.

With the help of my coach, teammates, family, and friends, I have a never ending support system that I will always cherish.

It's a beautiful life, you guys.

It really is.

Take advantage of every opportunity and help whoever you can.

As much as I complain about being sleepy and hungry, I am building my empire.

I get to work with the best clients, the best team, and I am creating a healthy lifestyle for myself. 

Above it all, I'm happy. 

(That may or may not have to do with the fact that I get sweet potatoes today <3)

Stay fit, everyone! 

Me, Myself, and Prep.

Coffee and Comedy brought to you by my kitchen table on the third floor of my ghetto-fabulous apartment:

Welcome, back!

If you're new, it's nice to meet ya. :)

Today, I endeavor to be real with you guys.

A lifestyle change is hard. It's so hard.

Whether you decide to pick a new career, move to another country, or take on the lifestyle of a competitor, it's freaking hard.

For myself, it's hard both mentally and physically.

My journey takes a mental toll, and guys, I've been loosing lately.

I try to keep a brave face going, because I know it means a lot to the people who are struggling along side me. It helps to look to someone who will tell you everything is fine, and that's what I've been trying to do. But all I want is some good ol' fashion pancakes and a tub or two of B&J.

Would anyone believe those things don't fit my prep? I know, I can't believe it either.

And while my body looks the best it ever has, and I'm thrilled about that, I'm just drained.

My motivation was deteriorating.

Notice, the word was.

I keep a nice little list on my fridge where I can see it every day.

I made this list on the 16th of September.

Two days before I started prep.

Oh this handy-dandy list are over twenty reasons the old, overweight and unhappy Emma decided to start prep.

Some of the things on this list, I have conquered.

For example:

1. Rounded hammies and nice legs. (PSH, GIRL CHECK)

2. For the new clothes. (Just picked up these bad boys for my upcoming photoshoot with THE Jessa Warren)

3. To motivate other girls.

This one is one of my favorite reasons. I cannot even express the overwhelming happiness I feel each time a girl (or boy) e-mails me telling me that I am the reason they have decided to get healthy. That's an incredible blessing. Thinking about it now even makes my eyes water. It's the best part of this entire process.

So while I have completed a bit of my list, I haven't finished it all.

I don't have a six pack, I haven't competed yet, and I'm not sure why the hell I even wrote down, "For the energy" LOL. Naive little me, I had no idea how much energy I would sacrifice doing this. 

All jokes aside, 

I'm so close to my show and I'm burnt out, but don't I owe it to myself to see this through?

Reason #1:

"To prove to myself that I can do this."

I haven't done that yet, but I can promise you, that I will.

So today, while I was thinking about how much this entire process means to me, I decided to give myself the gift of a constant reminder.

A tattoo.

This is dopamine. 

Well, the chemical compound structure of dopamine.

It stands for motivation, passion, and love.

Love for myself, my health, and my body.

Passion for reaching out to others, pushing my limits, and never settling.

Motivation to pursue my dreams and aspirations and to do so ruthlessly.

I have learned so much about taking care of myself. This is hands down the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Taking the chance to be healthy, confident, and inspirational.

Regardless of the odds being stacked against me and a past of always being overweight and inactive.

I decided to not play the victim.

I decided to be my own hero. 

So, everyone, here is to reaching for those dreams and holding on for dear life.

Here's to fighting the odds.

Here's to the doubters and the haters.

Here's to us.

(#rocky)

Is This You?

Do you count every calorie you consume?

Do you eat less than or equal to 1200 calories everyday?

Do you get anxiety about going out with friends and family, because it may or may not affect the calories you're taking it?

Do you refuse to eat something if you don't know the nutrition facts of the item?

Do you weigh yourself every day?

Do you exercise for multiple hours a day?

Is food all that you think about?

If you answered yes to most of these, you may have or be developing an unhealthy relationship with the idea of "health".

I'm asking, because I've been there.

At one point in time, not to long ago, might I add, I answered YES!!! to all of this questions.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. My biggest regret in life is the fact that I let food and exercise completely consume me. I didn't care about anything else.

Here is a picture of my sorority's formal last Spring.

Despite the smile on my face, I was under a ton of anxiety. We were out at a restaurant with no nutrition facts, so how was I supposed to know what I was eating? Instead of fully enjoying myself, I was too busy worrying about what the food was going to do in my weightloss journey.

What a waste of energy.

I spend the summers with my parents for the most part. Two summers in a row I spent counting calorie after calorie and spent hours researching foods that I may or may not come in contact with. 

Instead of spending fun weekends with my parents, I would venture the city with them freaking out about food.

I get frustrated with myself just thinking about it.

Being a college student, I should have been excited about life and new adventures, not carbs, proteins, and fats.

I remember going to work with my favorite little boy whose family I worked for the entire summer. 

(This boy is the best boy in the entire universe, if you were wondering.)

One morning, I woke up and weighed myself. The scale fluctuated up a pound and a half, for whatever reason.

And I broke down.

Hard. 

As in, I couldn't stop crying. 

I walked over to the family's house and after one look at me, my boss asked me what was wrong, and told me to go back home and get some sleep and relax. She was the best boss I ever had, and was truly understanding. 

Your weight should never affect you that badly. 

The calories I did eat weren't even healthy!

I ate whatever I could get my hands on that was high in volume and low in calories. "If it fits, I'll eat it" That was my motto.

But at the same time, that meant I wouldn't eat an avocado or a bowl of oatmeal, because I didn't want to use my calories on anything that might take up too much of my allotted intake.

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR:

LOW CALORIE DOES NOT EQUAL HEALTHY.

Ahem,

LOW CALORIE DOES NOT EQUAL HEALTHY.

Everyone, say hello to my best friend Tosh! We went on the world's best vacation this summer! (Despite the billion things that went wrong, LOL)

We went on our first road trip together and it was a blast.

But before hand, I remember sitting at the computer for hours trying to plan out the entire menu for the WEEK long trip she'd be with me.

That's how crazy I got.

Lucky for me, Tosh knows me and made it possible for me to enjoy our time together without worrying about every morsel of food going in.

And all of the food we ate was absolutely delicious.

Oh, yeah. 

Let's show you guys some of that!

Presenting: The world's biggest slice of pizza, and the world's most brutal sunburn.

Also, cute Tosh with my favorite tea <3

My point is, this was the most free part of my summer. When I let myself truly enjoy the people I was with. I spent real time with my best friend, lots of laughter, and a belly full of food without guilt.

I chose to be free.

You can chose it, too.

Let's further my point here.

The pale girl is before, the tan is now. Haha, like I how I differentiate? 

The girl on the left was miserable and obsessed. Lifting lots, lots of cardio, eating empty, but low calorie foods instead of eating pizza and laughing with her parents on Friday nights. 

The girl on the right eats (yes, I am on a meal plan, but you should see me when I get a cheat meal LORD MERCY), lifts heavy, and laughs. I eat much more than I used to, I don't even own a scale, and I treat my body with the respect it deserves. If I am fluffy one day, I own it. So what?

You know what matters more than your weight, and the calories you eat?

How you feel.

How strong you are.

Your energy levels.

Living your life to the fullest.

And your happiness.

Health isn't a number on a scale or the nutrition facts of an oreo vs an apple.

Life is about moderation! 

I can't believe I wasted so much time obsessing over that rather than spending time with the people that mean the most to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying fill your body with shit food and expect results.

I like the 80/20 rule.

80% healthy, whole foods. (Ex: Chicken) 20% soul foods. (Ex: B&J)

Find balance!

Don't let food ruin your happiness.

Every calorie is not a war.

It isn't a war.